When I started this journey I knew that there would be some healing that would need to be done. Lets face it, we have all heard the quote "It's not what you're eating.. it's what EATING you!!!" I have had my moments of kicking and screaming. I have had the "cry my eyes out for no reason" well that might be hormonal, LOL. Whatever the case may be I have my moments. Just when I think that I have it all together and I am doing great, I get hit from left field. Today was a biggie!!! I had a new client who was not from here. She had been in Fort Smith for a few years and had lived all over the States. I found her very nice and very informative. I have been feeling a little more comfortable here. I feel less like an outsider and more like I a resident. I am getting around the city better, and I actually run into people out in public now. That is huge for me. Growing up in Clovis, I knew everyone. I have felt very alone here outside of work. The client gave me some sound advise, she said that it would take 3-4 years to get settled in here. She also said that Fort Smith is probably one of the hardest towns to get into the "Circle". People are nice and friendly here but there are some that no matter what when you are new they simply will not let you in. If you did not grow up here then you are always going to be "The Newbie". Most of you know that I faced serious obstacles professionally when I moved here, in spite of that I have become, a local favorite! I work a lot and that doesn't leave me much time for socializing. I hate to admit it but I have not been to Church since I left California. That was such a big part of my life! I have not left God!!! I am still very close to God and my relationship with him is good!! I just have not found a church that I want to be plugged into. Anyway, I have a few people that I simply respect and value greatly! I do not have many friends here but I have made a few. Today out of no where, and she doesn't even know it I am sure, one of them hurt my feelings. I then heard the clients words echo in my head, "You will never break in the circle". I wanna go where everybody knows your name and there oh so glad you came. I want that familiar feeling. Where I can look down at a building and it holds a special memory for me. I want to feel like this is home. I am trying, I want to feel that way. I want people to respect me enough that they wont stomp on my feelings just because I am new and I don't mean anything to them. It is a matter of respect! So I obviously did not take this well!! I really let it bring me down! Just when I think that I have it all under control, I realize that I don't! I had to stop at Walmart on my way home. While in the check out line I was right there next to all the impulse buys. I threw a bag of Cheetoes Puffs and Twix into my cart. I have not had that in awhile!! In the car I ripped open the bag of Puffs and went at it. What a mess! I ate half the Grab Bag size and only 1 bar of the Twix. It is a 20 minute drive from Walmart to my house. About 10 minutes into the drive my binge was over and my belly was sick!! OHH the agony!! I thought I was going to pop from the gas and discomfort. It was horrible. I am not sure if it was the sugar or the fat in the puffs but something did not agree with me!!! I have not hurt that bad in a very long time! My chickens got the remainder of the bag and I threw away the candy bar. I will never do that again! It really isn't worth it! It doesn't fix the issue, I need to get thicker skin. Maybe in California this would never have bothered me, I am in my element there. I need to find that element here. I sometimes feel like I am standing naked in front of the class, Exposed and Vulnerable. I don't like that!!! I guess the healing process is just scratched the surface!! Venting tonight forgive me!!! Had to get it out so I could sleep!
Haven't moved in over a week, doing a 5k Friday NIGHT in this awful heat!!! I am going to collapse!!!
LOL Keep moving and be a friend to someone new in town, they are feeling alone and need new memories.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.